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It was one of those unlikely dinners where there’s no occasion to celebrate, no special announcement to make, no important decision to make. Yet it was a momentous family affair.

When my sister visited us after three months of non-communication, my parents were elated. My father told us he will take us all to a smorgasboard dinner (a.k.a. eat all you can buffets). And so came Saturday and we were all wondering if it will actually happen… it did.

My father, mother, two brothers, sister and I were present, for the first time in six years. What a dinner it turned out to be. Food was delicious (there were some that did not pass our taste), we laughed, we bantered, we took pictures (this might not happen again, or at least not in the near future, so its important to have proof… hahaha) and we looked each others’ eyes. It was great, it was unique.

I do not have a model family that others can emulate. Each of us has his own battles to conquer, has his own reservations about life, has difficulties dealing with the complexities of being who he is. Sometimes we become strangers in our own home. We discover things that made us upset and resentful with each other. We are surrounded by old habits, old conflicts, personal issues. Truthfully, I’m not wise enough, nor mature enough to confront what besets my family. But what I do is I pray, I hope, I ask for strength, I ask for guidance, that each of us will always feel this is the family where we belong, where we can always run to for help, where we know we can be accepted for who we are and who we will become.

When 12 midnight of the 14th day of this month struck, I was held by one man I love most and is a true blessing in my life.

Birthdays come and go and every year I feel like my birthday just passes by. I’m sure I’m not the only one who shares this sentiment but many of you. I used to feel getting older (not necessarily wiser) and unfulfilled. I looked back the events and people that I have shared my life with.

I still did all that, days before my birthday, but unlike last year and the years before that, today, I am with someone I love genuinely with all my heart.

He is my movie buddy. He is my dining mate. He makes me gain weight… haha. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He sings to me in his angelic voice… hehe. He listens and understands. He takes care of me. He inspires me in lots of ways. He makes me happy… very happy indeed. He is the difference and my life will never be the same.

He just came back. I was surprised to receive a text from him a month before his scheduled return. I was glad he still kept my number and made an effort to communicate. And just about a week ago, he said he’s actually here. He’d like to go out. Oooppss. Here we go again.

In as much as I’d like to see him, I compelled myself not to, because I know what it will lead to. I don’t want to fall… over again. He has a much different life now and so have I. I still think about him, sometimes still wondered how it could’ve been if he stayed. A small part of the pain he left me remained, inspite everything that has happened from then and now. A part of me still can’t forgive him for what he did, but slowly, I’m beginning to understand everything that had come between us. I hope you know how special you had been to me.

We have what we had, not all good, and not bad.

I had made plans. I decided I can’t be a slave of this industry forever. The possibility of moving to something that may not be better in terms of financial gains but greater in terms of fulfillment  gave me a sense of direction. Finally, I’ll be able to do what I want, will be able to practice what I was made of. This thought pushed me to finish what I have to.

The other day, my mom told me some bad news. The first thing that came into my mind, "Oh, no I can’t get out, I’m needed." It didnt make me feel better these past couple of days. I can’t decide whether this is a sign or simpy a test that I can overcome. So I’m back in my dilemma again. I don’t want to be a slave anymore, I want out! But I can’t not like this when crisis is underway.

I can’t live like this every day. I can’t go to work just looking forward for the next paycheck. I can’t go to work dreading what I do. I can’t go to work feeling unsatisfied about my career. I can’t.

At one point, I did enjoy what I do. Until this point of my stay, I gained more friends and our bond seemed to get stronger everyday that we spend time having coffee, eating breakfast and sitting together during the queues. This is the only thing I fear losing, yet these friends of mine understood what I’m going through.

My mind gooes blank. I still have something to finish. I’m in such a daze. The only thing I know is that I need to focus. Then I can worry about getting out later.

I felt something in him I have never felt with anyone.

We don’t choose who we fall in love with. It happens, sometimes you know it, sometimes it has to hit you in the head. I simply felt the goodness in him, the dependency and vulnerability he has. Then without knowing how, or why, it happened.

It’s not perfect. I don’t intend it to be. It’s tough work and will exhaust your patience. And yes, though I complain sometimes, I choose to fight. What I have… he is.

I thought about you the other day, because I heard your name in a soap opera. It was a blissful thought. I rememebered how we started, harmless stares, careful touches, endless banters and sweet texts. We were lame back then. You saw me. I saw you, as beautiful as you are and how you can be the person you want yourself to become someday.

Who would think that at this moment, you’re where you wanna be? God, I wasn’t there. I just heard it from somebody else that you left to fulfill your dream. I was glad when I found out about it. I was also sad because aside from the good news, there was the fact that you’re married and you already have a kid.

I couldnt help but wonder if you think of me. You didn’t even remember my birthday. Yours is coming 26 days from now and you’re turning 26. If I come across your mind, please remember how much love I gave you and how much I was willing to give up for you. I don’t want you to be guilty. I’m happy right now, and that’s not bull shit. But what I want is for you to think about the good memories we had, after all there was you and here I am, happy indeed.

When people ask me how old I am, I’d always make them guess about my age. While men would answer "Uhm, 23? 25?…" (which by the way, still make me smile eventhough I know they’re trying to flatter me) women would answer "…26? 27? 28?…". Lesson learned— never make people guess, just answer the question.

My friend and I were having coffee one Saturday night, when I felt the weight of a birthday on me. It’s not about about getting older (or looking older), everybody worries about that, nor worrying how I’d get the money to treat my friends out, or what to do on that "special" day with my family. I feel heavy because I still consider myself unaccomplished at the age of 23, like I’m some experiment awaiting completion and people are banking on its successful results. My friend said, it’s a normal feeling you get when your birthday is coming up. You assess you life and evaluate yourself and what you’ve done over the year, what you’ve done over the past 22 years. Frankly, birthday or not, I feel this every fucking day of my life.

My relatives would ask me, "What are your plans?" I’d reply appropriately but I really don’t know what these "plans" theyre talking about. Are they talking about getting married? Or are they saying they’d want me doing something else than what I’m doing now? I honestly don’t know what they want from me. And I honestly don’t know what I want from and for myself.

I’m probably being overserious about this. So, I dont have a plan…YET and I’ll have to take care some things before I decide on anything. For now, I’m not complaining and I’ll know what to do when everything is in it’s proper place and time.

The MRT has been my comfort zone every now then. Let’s put aside the fact that it never seems to run out of people and every damn day I have to stand during the whole time and maintain my grab on one of those handles on the metal railing.

Amidst the overwhelming number of people everyday and an atmosphere of mixed perspiration and humidity, I find every so often, a sense of loneliness embraced with hope just being there.

The other day, I watched a couple hold hands the entire time they were standing. The man placed a protective arm around his girlfriend and whispers words I cannot comprehend but from the look on the girl’s face, the words provided comfort in light of the obvious stressful situation and urge to scream.

Yesterday, going home, I watched a couple with a baby. The mother is holding the baby steadily while the baby tries to stand on its feet. The father on the other hand had an unreadable expression on his face while watching his child and wife, then he turned to his wife and kissed her on the cheek, just like that.

Being single lets me appreciate these moments and while they make me realize I am lonely, all the more I’m hopeful that someday, I’m going to have one that will last. It’ll be me plus one.