Getting ‘O’
When people ask me how old I am, I’d always make them guess about my age. While men would answer "Uhm, 23? 25?…" (which by the way, still make me smile eventhough I know they’re trying to flatter me) women would answer "…26? 27? 28?…". Lesson learned— never make people guess, just answer the question.
My friend and I were having coffee one Saturday night, when I felt the weight of a birthday on me. It’s not about about getting older (or looking older), everybody worries about that, nor worrying how I’d get the money to treat my friends out, or what to do on that "special" day with my family. I feel heavy because I still consider myself unaccomplished at the age of 23, like I’m some experiment awaiting completion and people are banking on its successful results. My friend said, it’s a normal feeling you get when your birthday is coming up. You assess you life and evaluate yourself and what you’ve done over the year, what you’ve done over the past 22 years. Frankly, birthday or not, I feel this every fucking day of my life.
My relatives would ask me, "What are your plans?" I’d reply appropriately but I really don’t know what these "plans" theyre talking about. Are they talking about getting married? Or are they saying they’d want me doing something else than what I’m doing now? I honestly don’t know what they want from me. And I honestly don’t know what I want from and for myself.
I’m probably being overserious about this. So, I dont have a plan…YET and I’ll have to take care some things before I decide on anything. For now, I’m not complaining and I’ll know what to do when everything is in it’s proper place and time.
March 13th, 2006 at 1:38 am
Oh, Jackie “O”,
Hehehe…we guys are going through the same things - you, me, anj, happy, aj, et. al. I’m just learning it’s okay to have a sense of what you are passionate about, the people and things and activities you love. I’m not as courageous or brave in the planning and doing, but I know that I have to plan around those things, go for these single-mindedly (wry smile). It’s cliche, but we really have to follow our hearts…no matter how LONG it takes us, no matter how many times we bewilder other people and they ask us what we really want in life. I’m learning to take my cue from myself, not from what others think I should be doing…I’m one stubborn girl, I admit (*big grin*).
Here’s also a quote from a book I read (will have to do some more remembering exactly what THAT was ):
“You feel the powerful storm pulling at you in all directions, switching winds that catch you off-guard. You feel torn apart. Yet these conflicts can be resolved by thinking things through and then choosing, even if later on it becomes obvious that the decision isn’t working out. When we make a plan, we gain a feeling of being intensely alive. We become more aware of our self, our own deliberations, which is exhilarating. Again, the key thing is that you must take action. And when you believe in something, your choices will bear witness to that. Always listen to the questions stirring up inside you, and never seek absolute answers from others.”
Happy journeying,
Pauie Ü